Thursday, April 30, 2009
Full Circle
At the age of 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At the age of 12, success is... having friends.
At the age of 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At the age of 20, success is... having sex.
At the age of 35, success is... having money.
At the age of 50, success is... having money.
At the age of 60, success is... having sex.
At the age of 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At the age of 75, success is... having friends.
At the age of 90, success is... not peeing in your pants.
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Should A Lady Spit Or Swallow?
The age old question of if a lady should spit or swallow has been debated through the ages. For instance, in 16th century Spain, it was considered treason if a lady spat, especially while in the private company of the King. Though if that same lady were with peasant men (commoners) spiting was not only allowed, it was encouraged as a clear non-verbal form of communicating displeasure and/or a safe means of preventing the spread of possible diseases. Today it is much up to the lady's discretion. If her evening with a gentleman has been pleasant, and she wishes to see that gentleman again, the polite and socially acceptable course of action would be to swallow. She should swallow as many times as necessary to please the gentleman or gentlemen she is in the company of. Should she choose to spit, which is her right to do so nowadays, one can all but guarantee that she will not be invited back into the company of said gentleman/gentlemen.
In conclusion, swallowing is the preferred means of social grace when out with a man, but should a lady spit, she should try to do it when he is not looking and be sure to clean up after herself with a napkin, or if one is not available, the underside of her blouse.
- New York Dining Etiquette Journal, Young Ladies Edition- 1918
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Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Funniest Moments In Comedy Movies Day
Today is the day to check out the funniest moments from cinema de comedia. Check back every hour for new videos of amazing comeic genius... at least in our opinion.
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films
Monday, April 27, 2009
We Love Jiminy Glick
Martin Short should really bring this one back. NOT in another movie, but he should have been the one to take Conan O'Brien’s spot.
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funny videos,
martin short,
youtube
We Still Love Asians
The odd thing about this picture is that these two guys are dressed for a formal dinner in Tokyo.
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funny pictures
I Am Sooo Sorry, Avian Flu.
Dear Avian Flu,
I can not even begin to comprehend what you must be going through this last week. YOU were the next Pandemic, You were the next big outbreak, YOU! You put in all the work, and you were so patient. The way you refused to transfer from person to person until just the right moment, opting instead to stay in birds, and chickens, and Asia. Yet, you gave us all just a taste of the hell you would eventually unleash...when you were ready. That is power. That is class. We noticed, and we feared you. That is...until some low rent, two bit, coward swine flu blindsided you in the middle of the night, unannounced, and completely stole your thunder. Swine flu, I hope you are reading this and realize what a dirty Mexican invader you are and how nobody gives two rats a$$es about you. Your weak, your ugly, and your poor. Mexico City? The Bronx? Missouri? Get a life swine flu, you don't even have all that terrible of symptoms. Well, except death, but people die everyday in way way more numbers just driving to work or eating dinner. You suck dude, and if you were any kind of Virus at all, you would apologize to your hosts and self destruct..but...take some of Texas with you. Never mind, you don't have the balls. Avian Flu would F*ck Texas up, but then again, you know that don't you Swine Flu, and it kills you inside.
Sincerely,
Ebola
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Poop: Everything & Anything You Need To Know
What is poop made of?
About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be.
Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Why does poop stink?
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Why is poop brown?
The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine, where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubin gives rise to its brown color.
What other colors of poop are possible?
Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or split, for example, can stain the poop red. Bloody poop can also be a sign of colon cancer, so you should get it checked out by a doctor if you see blood in your stool. Some illnesses in babies gives them green or even blue-green poop. But another source of blue poop in children is more innocent: it can come from eating a concentrated source of blue food coloring such as ice cream. Intense red food coloring can produce bright red poop. Sometimes brightly colored foods pass through the gut almost unchanged, and the turd may be speckled with bright red fragments such as pimentos, or bright yellow kernels of corn.Poop can also be stained red if you eat beets, according to Ellen. One can experience white poop after consuming a barium milkshake for the purposes of getting an x-ray of the upper gastrointestinal tract.
What is the cause of yellow poop?
According to Michael F., one cause of this is Gilbert's Syndrome. "I have a benign condition known as Gilbert's Syndrome. It affects quite a few people, males mostly, in their teens+. It is a deficiency in the liver where red blood cells are broken down. I was informed when this was diagnosed that the broken down blood cells is what gives poop a lot of its color. People with Gilbert's Syndrome don't process as many blood cells - or not as fast - and their poop tends to be pale brown or yellow from the lower quantity of discarded red blood cell matter. This is especially true if there is less matter in your intestines (i.e., on a diet - as I have noticed) to remove the excess blood cells. Very frightening until you determine what is causing it. Gilbert's is a totally benign thing that doesn't harm anyone, although when a person is sick they can turn yellowish as if jaundiced, but it is not jaundice." Another cause of yellow poop is a giardia infection. Giardia are tiny Protozoan parasites that can invade the intestines and result in severe yellow diarrhea. It is a dangerous and contagious affliction that doctors are obligated to report to the Center for Disease Control.
What is the cause of green poop?
I have consulted with a doctor, a physiologist and a microbiologist on this question, and the following summarizes their answers: Healthy people can have green poop if they eat a diet rich in leafy green vegetables, or if they consume large quantities of food coloring (in ice cream, cake frosting etc.). Green poop can also be caused by excess iron in the diet, from dietary supplements, for example. If the body does not absorb all the iron consumed, the iron may stain the poop green, the color of iron (II) salts. Ordinarily, the green color may be masked by the normal brown poop color, but if digestion is thrown off by illness so that bilirubin is less concentrated in the intestine, the green color may become apparent. This can happen when a person is afflicted with diarrhea. Green poop in sick babies may come from iron in baby formula not being properly absorbed, or by green pigments in bile salts (again, green from iron).
Why is bird poop white?
Unlike mammals, birds don't urinate. Their kidneys extract nitrogenous wastes from the bloodstream, but instead of excreting it as urea dissolved in urine as we do, they excrete it in the form of uric acid. Uric acid has a very low solubility in water, so it emerges as a white paste. This material, as well as the output of the intestines, emerges from the bird's cloaca. The cloaca is a multi-purpose hole for birds: their wastes come out of it, they have sex by putting their cloacas together, and females lay eggs out of it.
Why do dogs eat poop?
Many animals eat poop on a regular basis. These include rabbits, rodents, gorillas, many insects such as dung beetles and flies, and yes, dogs. (Keep that in mind the next time a dog wants to lick you!) Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents eat their own poop because their diet of plants is hard to digest efficiently, and they have to make two passes at it to get everything out of the meal. This is equivalent to a cow chewing its cud, only cows are able to re-eat their food without having to poop it out first. Another reason why animals eat poop is that poop contains vitamins produced by their intestinal bacteria. The animal is unable to absorb the vitamins through the intestinal wall, but can get at them by eating the poop. Another reason that animals such as dogs and flies eat poop is that poop contains a certain amount of protein. Dogs are particularly fond of cat poop because cat poop is high in protein. I had a friend with a dog and a cat, and he never had to clean the kitty litter. The dog took care of it.
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Caption Contest #5 Winner: Don't Call Me Shirley
Congratulations go out to Don't Call Me Shirley for winning this week's Competitive Awesome Caption Contest! There will be a new contest every Friday, so be sure to check back regularly for all the great content that will be posted to the site. Now, on to the winning entry...
Don't tell me I need a car to go through the drive-thru.
I'm fu¢king Batman!
To see all the entries for this week's contest be sure to click here.
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I'm fu¢king Batman!
To see all the entries for this week's contest be sure to click here.
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caption contest,
winners
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Llama Song
We don't know why this is funny... but it's kind of like a car accident - it's just hard to look away and oddly hypnotic. This must be what it's like to be a Nascar fan.
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animals,
funny videos,
youtube
Dear Michael Jackson, It's me, Ronald Reagan
Seriously, read this! This is why the Republicans think Reagan was a god? So much free time while in office he could write letters to his good buddy... Michael Jackson.
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What Is A Cockateau… Really?
Someone told me the other day that a Cockateau is some type of bird. I did not believe them and so, I looked it up. I probably shouldn’t have split the word up into two words, but I did. The pictures that I got back for my web search did not make me feel very good. I now know that the Cockateau is in fact a, very French, very gay male. I do not like Cockateaus.
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Cockateaus,
France,
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Friday, April 24, 2009
Joke-Girls Night Out
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
ZING!
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
ZING!
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funny,
girls night out,
joke,
laugh
Competitive Awesome Caption Contest #5
It's time for the weekly Competitive Awesome Caption Contest! Please leave your submission in the comments of this post. Once again, congratulations to last week's winner: over40something
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caption contest,
comic books,
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
President Bush Pets A Black Child
It is nice to see that our former President thought that black children were just like cute little pets.
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Jesus Is Clearly Here To Tease Us
Have you ever wondered why Jesus could only walk on water? I mean walking really isnt’t that impressive. Jogging, maybe, but running…that’s where the money is. If Jesus could have run on water he really would have turned some heads. Imagine only being able to walk around a race track, not sooooo much of a race. I mean if Jesus was all powerful and all knowing, I think he probably should have learned how to run on water.
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funny pictures,
jesus christ,
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Why Little Jews Are So Wiry
I have noticed that the size of a Jew is directly in proportion to his or her level of “wiriness.” Big Jews are not only less of a threat, they are also rather rare. National geographic list large Jews on the endangered species list, just under the scourge of conservative ponds everywhere, the homosexual salamander. Medium sized Jews assimilate nicely into society and are often missed or mistaken for “innocent lawyers.” Small Jews though, they are truly who you need to look out for, especially if you have money in your pocket or have children with money in their pockets. They can smell unspent money from up to two miles away, and if they do corner you, your only hope to escape is to compromise with them and at least allow them to invest it for you.
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funny pictures,
jews,
judaism,
religion
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Cricket
The cricket is one of the most annoying insects that I have ever encountered. Why must it constantly let the world know of its existence. We know that you are there cricket, we get it, you are horny and looking for other female crickets to mate with. My question is why must you be so loud and keep us up at night while on your search for love? In fact now that I put a little more thought into it, the cricket is actually like a douche from New Jersey. Let me explain…at night the cricket is on a constant quest to mate. The cricket is both loud, obnoxious , and annoying, not unlike the “New Jersey Douche.” “The New Jersey Douche” comes out at night, usually in packs, like the cricket, and is habitually loud, obnoxious , annoying and constantly on a quest to mate. The only difference that I can see between the cricket and the “New Jersey Douche” is that one lives outside while the other lives in his mothers basement, in Newark.
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funny pictures,
insects
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Sweetest Thing: Pen1s Song
Why? Why did this movie ever get made? It may be old, but we just felt the need to share this again.
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Worst Novel Opening...
The City Of Love
If Gilbert had known then what he knew now, he would have seen that the dilemma facing him–to do a good deed for the wrong reason or to do a bad deed for the right reason–had long ago been shown to be two sides of the same coin by the philosopher known as Theragora of Crete even though he was not from Crete at all, but from Malta, which of course was not called Malta when Theragora was there.
Thanks Innocentenglish.com for the worst beginning paragraph to a novel.
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If Gilbert had known then what he knew now, he would have seen that the dilemma facing him–to do a good deed for the wrong reason or to do a bad deed for the right reason–had long ago been shown to be two sides of the same coin by the philosopher known as Theragora of Crete even though he was not from Crete at all, but from Malta, which of course was not called Malta when Theragora was there.
Thanks Innocentenglish.com for the worst beginning paragraph to a novel.
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Sunday, April 19, 2009
Caption Contest #4 Winner: over40something
Congratulations go out to over40something for winning this week's Competitive Awesome Caption Contest! There will be a new contest every Friday, so be sure to check back regularly for all the great content that will be posted to the site. Now, on to the winning entry...
Rehearsals get under way for Oliver in Vietnam today.
To see all the entries for this week's contest be sure to click here.
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#2: The Bishop Fish
The Bishop Fish has been known to swim after alter boys and children... mostly boys. It has a fin located on its back called the "Molestationary Oblongata."
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animals,
funny pictures,
legends,
myth
#5: Tom Selleck's Mustache
Some say that it only comes out at night, but we know it simply by the name El Mustache de Selleck.
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animals,
funny pictures,
legends,
myth,
tom selleck
#6: The Chupacabra
If there is a Chupacabra, we are convinced that it doesn’t look anything like this... but we wish it did.
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animals,
funny pictures,
legends,
myth
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Redneck Buddies
We always wondered what happened to Mychal's uncle. At least his family now has the closure that they so deserve.
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funny pictures,
rednecks
Friday, April 17, 2009
A Very Gay Cartoon
We believe they finally made a cartoon about Greg Louganis... only somehow they made it ever gayer.
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animation,
cartoons,
funny videos,
youtube
The Japanese Ronald McDonald
What was that Asian doing with that hamburger behind his back? Just Odd. That's really all to be said. Bizarre.
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funny videos,
youtube
Competitive Awesome Caption Contest #4
It's time for the weekly Competitive Awesome Caption Contest! Please leave your submission in the comments of this post. Once again, congratulations to last week's winner: Anna
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children,
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YouTube Video Blog: Caption Contest #4 & Taxes
Competitive Awesome discuss taxes and the new caption contest in today's under-a-minute video blog.
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Thursday, April 16, 2009
Mysterious Cities Of Gold
Today we decided to give you a treat: a nostalgic look back at shows and cartoons of your childhood. We really wish that some of these shows were still on the air today! You are welcome, Internets.
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animation,
cartoons,
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youtube
Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Today we decided to give you a treat: a nostalgic look back at shows and cartoons of your childhood. We really wish that some of these shows were still on the air today! You are welcome, Internets.
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fred rogers,
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youtube
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