Ladies & Gentlemen: Steven Wright

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

If you think nobody care about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."



When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.